Tag: self compassion

A Different Kind Of Mom Bod

Ashley4 Comments

I’m supposed to say, I love my body. I made little humans. I really like the cellulite that showed up on my butt. Aren’t these the things I’m supposed to believe with all of the body positivity, motherhood vibes and girl power that I champion??

Postpartum feelings are confusing and after both of my pregnancies I haven’t felt how I thought I would. For the last three years or so I’ve given my body away in a pretty substantial way, by going through two pregnancies in a relatively short period of time. Truth be told, I still give my body away every single day. I nurse my almost three week old, I hoist my two year old into the car, I schlep the dog up the stairs, I wipe dirty little faces and I pick up an endless array of toys.

It might sound selfish (and it feels selfish) that I want my old body back. I know what you’re thinking – you’re thinking, “Ashley, you’re not even three weeks postpartum. Let yourself heal. Give it time. It took months to make those beautiful babies, so allow yourself to take the time to get back to where you were.” I get it. I agree, but it’s not that easy.

Seeing your postpartum body for the first time can be a pretty big shock. It’s hard (and amazing) for any woman to see such a huge transformation. Being that I recently shared with all of you that I had history with an eating disorder, it feels even harder seeing this change in my body, especially for the second time.

The good thing is that I’ve been through this all once before and I know what my body is capable of. I know I will lose the baby weight, regain my strength and feel like some semblance of myself again. I just hate the waiting game. It’s uncomfortable, but life can be uncomfortable.

While I was pregnant with Gialina I worked out 5-6 days per week, ate a balanced diet and treated myself when it felt right. With Viviana I did the same routine. The only difference that I can think of is that with Gia I stuck with more cardio based workouts, and with Vivi I continued my weight training with my cardio.

I gained 43 pounds with Gia and 40 with Vivi. The only reason I tell you this is because I’m a firm believer that your body is programmed to gain a certain amount of weight while pregnant, regardless of what you do. I did everything “right” through both of my pregnancies, yet I still beat myself up for not gaining the recommended 25-35 pounds.

Obviously those numbers can’t apply to everyone. The woman who is 5’2″ will very likely gain differently than the woman who is 6’0″. We aren’t the same and neither are any of our pregnancies.

Trust the process. This is my own reminder to myself to do just that. Sometimes when you put things out in the universe (like sharing vulnerabilities) good things happen. Healing happens. Support is given. People feel less alone. That’s my intention here. I’m reminding myself that I will get where I want to be soon and if you’re in a similar season in your life, you will too.

I’m sure you may have heard the saying, “people only show their highlight reel” through social media outlets. A friend of mine reminded me of this the other day, and it’s so true. Of course we are all quick to share the great things in our lives, but I find it just as important to share our bumps in the road or messy moments. We are all so much more alike than we realize. The moment we stop pretending that we are better than one another or comparing our highlight reels, is the moment we will all feel more connected.

 This is about my entire self, about all the parts of me – more than just getting my body back. It’s about the parts that existed before two little people filled my arms and my heart, and the parts that will continue to exist long after those people have fully grown.

Share your experiences – good and maybe not so good. I having a sneaking suspicion that someone else will reach out in appreciation, creating a ripple effect. Pass on kindness, pay it forward and if comfortable, share your truth.

Xo

My Week Long Social Media Detox

AshleyLeave a comment

I’m pretty sure that from the beginning, technology was meant to serve us in a positive way. Social media is supposed to make our lives better by allowing us to have more time and connection to others in our already limited schedules. But are the likes of Instagram and Twitter really adding value to our lives?

I will certainly admit that there are times where I feel like a slave to the social media machine. It’s sometimes hard to totally “log off,” especially when our jobs and lives almost require us to be online. I catch myself scrolling through my Instagram sometimes before even hopping out of bed in the morning, and for what?

Of course social media can be a good thing, but even too much of a good thing can be harmful. For this reason, I decided to take a little break from all things social media for one week. Some of you may scoff and say, “One week is nothing!” While that may be true, at least I’ve remained true to my word for the last week by going completely cold turkey. For me, the main culprit of addiction is Instagram. I use Facebook as well, but Instagram is something that I feel more invested in, for whatever reason.

On day 2 of my detox from the online world, I realized just how much I casually visited Instagram. Day 1 was easy to go without, but the second morning I found my fingers twitching to click that little icon on my phone. Thoughtless Instagram scrolling sometimes serves as a little mommy getaway during nap time or when Gia is happily watching an episode of Sesame Street. But what was it that I was really longing for? Nothing on Instagram that I was “missing” was going to change my life, or make it better for that matter.

On Day 6 of my little detox, I realized I wasn’t even thinking about social media. With this newfound sense of “freedom” I found myself using short bursts of time for more useful things than online scrolling. I’m a pretty productive person, but this past week I’ve been more motivated to just get things done. I’m not sure if it has everything to do with not being so online, but I’ll take it.

During the past week I’ve accomplished a lot – Gia’s big girl bed is in her new room, bedding for it has been ordered, I’ve had family over for dinner, I’ve taken family to appointments and planted in the yard, just to name a few. Along with these to-do’s I’ve also felt more mental clarity. I know that sounds a little wacky, but it’s true. No trying to keep up with the Joneses, less feelings of inadequacy and more pride in the things that I have accomplished. If I can attribute these feelings to less social media usage than I may very well make this a regular thing.

We all know that social media sells a false reality, which can be especially toxic for women. We all usually post our best pictures – many times showing us on our latest adventure, silently proclaiming (with or without intention) how great our life is. Herein lies the comparison problem. It’s extremely difficult to remind ourselves that people post what they want others to see. If you say you don’t, you’re probably lying.

When I first looked at my Instagram feed after not seeing it for a week there was a couple things I noticed. I realized that I didn’t miss much of anything and I immediately had a negative thought creep into my head. After seeing a pregnancy Instagram account post a photo of a woman who was 25 weeks pregnant, I found myself comparing my pregnancy size to her. First off, I’m a couple days shy of 23 weeks, and second – it doesn’t matter! Everything I’ve been trying to stop doing the past week came racing back. I’m just pleased I was able to instantly realize how irrational and ridiculous I was being for thinking I should look like that woman.

The thing about comparing our lives to each other through social media is that it’s completely unfair. Nobody’s profile is perfect – it’s all filtered and sterilized! So why do you and I keep feeling a twinge of despair for not having as many likes and followers as the next person? Here’s where I insert a friendly reminder: Comparison is the thief of joy. A flower doesn’t think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms. Lions don’t concern themselves with the opinions of sheep either. Wish I could say I came up with those quotes, but I didn’t. They are just words I try to remember when I catch myself feeling inadequate after looking at the hottest blogger’s Instagram feed, or my mom friend who seems to always have her stuff together.

One of 30 newly planted friends in my front yard – my beautiful hydrangea:

I understand that we live in a day and age where social media is truly a big part of all of our lives. There’s lots of tangible benefits too – keeping us connected with friends and family from all over, and augmenting our social lives, rather than replacing them.

My biggest takeaway from this personal experiment was that there is so much more to life than meets the eye. My perspectives have been shifted and I’ve been reminded of what’s most important in life – our family, health and happiness.

I read an article prior to going offline for the week about a man who takes a month long break from social media every December. I thought this was a really great idea and would be something that I could benefit from. If I implement this same practice the only thing I will miss are sharing photos of my daughter. (Soon I’ll be saying daughters! Crazy!) Other than that, it sounds like I need to pick my month of the year to go on my vacation from the online world.

Have any of you taken a deliberate break from social media before? I’m curious to hear what it did for you. Leave a comment to let me know your thoughts about what the app addiction is doing to our world.

Xo

Raising Strong, Confident Daughters

Ashley3 Comments

One thing I’ve already begun to realize over the last year and a half, or so, is that bringing up daughters is complicated: Messages of empowerment and achievement are everywhere, yet depression and anxiety plague so many.

I know these things because I am still a daughter even though I’m now also a mother. I know these things because I never want Gialina and her sister to go through the hard things that I went through. I want to raise my girls to be their best, well-rounded selves despite so many negative outside influences in our world.

During a routine morning not long ago, I was looking in our downstairs mirror. I lifted my shirt to look at my stomach – I’d recently found out I was pregnant with Gia’s sister. I was checking for any signs of a growing baby in my stomach and caught myself feeling a little bit upset. I was upset because I selfishly thought about how hard it will be to watch my body grow through another pregnancy. Although the creation of life is truly an amazing miracle, it can really do a number on a woman’s mindset and body confidence. In my case, I suffered from an eating disorder during my early twenties and although I am healthy today, the negative voices are still there and will always need to be tamped down.

After checking myself out for a quick moment I realized that my daughter Gia had been watching my every move, as she always does. To my surprise and slight horror, she walked over to where I was standing and proceeded to lift her shirt to show her tummy. She clearly was just mimicking mommy, but this instance just goes to show you that your children are always watching, listening and learning from you.

I love having a daughter and I am thrilled to be a girl-mom once again, but nothing annoys me more than when someone says, “Oooh, two girls! You sure are in for it!”

I feel like I was born to parent girls because of the challenges I overcame that tend to overwhelmingly affect women. God gave me not only one, but two girls so that I could teach them to love themselves as much as I should have been loving myself through my eating disorder. I’m excited to be raising two strong little girls, but even this early on it can feel like walking a tightrope.

Part of me is so excited for their future. There are so many female role models out there for them to aspire to be like. Unfortunately, there are also things like stress, anxiety and depression that come with high achievement. When my girls grow up and are doing everything possible to be all that they can, I want them to enjoy it. Like any parent, I want my girls to have boundless opportunity, but more than that, I want them to be happy. The bigger part of that is making sure they are ready for whatever challenges they will someday face.

Know the impact you will have on your child – celebrate their uniqueness, praise their imperfections and instill social confidence.

I know that I will always try to raise strong, confident daughters, but I also realize that they will be who they will be. I can’t make my daughters be something they weren’t meant to be. I just hope and pray that I continue to be the best parent that I can be through their challenging teen years and young adult lives.

Looking at Gia sitting beside me right now also makes me relish the simplicity of toddlerhood. She is completely unfiltered and totally herself in this moment. In a couple of years she will be more aware of the opinions of others, but I hope she holds on to her own opinions while remaining kind, strong-willed and unique.

Xo

#MomSoHard

Ashley8 Comments

As parents we try our very best to be the ultimate caretakers, protectors, providers and nurturers, but some days we feel like we just flat out suck. If there’s one thing I know, I am not alone with these feelings.

Becoming a parent has hands down been the greatest thing I’ve ever done, yet it’s also been the absolute hardest. Gialina has the power to melt me or crush me with a single word, look, or gesture. It’s almost as if I’m at the mercy of a tiny dictator….an adorable tiny dictator.

I think about how Craig and I made the decision for me to be a stay-at-home mom and I know it has been the best decision for our family. With that, some days I can’t help but think about the single parents, the working parents and parents of multiple kids who seem to always get everything done, and without complaint.

On my tough days at home with Gia I try and remember parents who have it a lot harder than me (the stay-at-home parent raising three kids under three, the parent who cries when dropping their child off at daycare, and the parent working two jobs who just can’t catch a break). I should be so grateful to stay home and raise my daughter, knowing she’s learning from me. I am grateful of course, but it’s not picture perfect, nor should it be.

Being a mom is hard. I’m alone most of the time and that takes a toll on my mental health. When I say alone, I’m with my daughter, but obviously talking to her is very different than talking to an adult. I sit in my own thoughts and that can have a negative snowball effect on me at times.

It’s easy for me to judge myself and feel guilty about most anything related to parenting. I know many parents feel that same guilt, so I’m not alone, but man….it still feels lonely.

I feel like I didn’t do my best as a mom if I didn’t talk enough to Gia, play enough, take her to the park, etc. These thoughts are completely ridiculous, I know. She gets plenty of stimulation doing the countless things we do at home.

Then there’s that other guilt I get. Guilt from not folding the laundry right away, from not picking up the play room (even though I’ve done it three times already), guilt from not making Craig a lunch for work, etc. After all, my job is to take care of Gia and our family home.

The days I don’t do it all, or don’t feel like doing it all make me feel like I’ve lost. If this is my “job” and what I choose to do then I should be doing better at it, right?! No. I’m doing the best I can, just like everyone else.

Yesterday was a day where I felt like I just couldn’t win. The second Craig walked in the door I felt better because I had my partner in life home. At the same time I was upset that Gia could care less about me because he was home. I’m so glad that she loves both of us so deeply, but I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of envy. I’m with her all day, everyday, bending over backwards to give her everything she needs. Daddy is gone at work, so of course she misses him. I feel bad for having those feelings, but they’re honest.

Once Craig had changed from work and asked me what he could do to help with dinner, etc. I asked if he wouldn’t mind bathing Gia for me. When I walked down the hall to see how they were doing, any feelings of envy disappeared. Appreciation was what I felt in that moment instead.

Tubby time with daddy:

We are all just trying our best to make it through each day, whether we have kids or not. Don’t judge the mom in the grocery store because her clothes are covered in dog hair and don’t judge the person on BART falling asleep after a long day at work. You don’t know what they might be dealing with in their personal life, or how long they were up with their kids the night before.

Xo

When Tragedy Strikes

AshleyLeave a comment

To my horror, this morning I, as well as countless others, woke up to news of the unfathomable tragedy in Las Vegas.  I picked up my phone upon waking and immediately saw news alert after news alert.  With each update, I saw that the death toll and injuries from this absolutely heinous act were climbing and climbing.  I couldn’t help but cry.  I’m so very saddened and shocked that this is the world we live in today.

I texted a friend who lives in Southern California, for I knew she had been in Vegas over the weekend, and I held my breath until I received a text back stating that she was okay.  After texting her, I remembered seeing via social media that a girl I had grown up with was also there with a friend of hers.  I messaged them as well – they were safe yet shook up.  I can’t even imagine.

I also cannot begin to imagine the pain, anger, sadness and grief that families are feeling right now.  Households that were once whole are now forever broken.  (I understand that this is not the only horrific event to happen as of late, but I feel compelled to share my thoughts and feelings.  I want everyone reading this to know that they should not politicize my words.  This is just me being human and feeling a wide range of emotions.)

So many lives are forever changed after what occurred last night in Las Vegas – people are without their parents, children, brothers, sisters, friends and acquaintances.  It makes me feel sick thinking that these poor people didn’t know what to do when they heard gun shots raining down on them for over 72 minutes.

Based on the news reports, it was utter chaos at the concert venue where people were trying to escape.  I cannot go without saying that there were many first responders at that Jason Aldean show, as off-duty concert goers.  I believe that those first responders made a huge impact last night in saving lives, in obvious addition to those on-duty.  Police, fire and EMS ran towards the danger while everyone was trying to get away.  The help and bravery of the first responders demonstrates true heroism.  If it weren’t for these people, who knows how many more lives may have been lost.

It’s awful that it takes the worst in humanity to bring out the best in people, but this is something that I think of on a daily basis.  Many of you know that I come from a first responder family and some of you might just be learning that now.

My grandfather was a firefighter who passed away in the line of duty, due to asbestos and smoke exposure – his death was the precedent setting case for the State of California for firefighters who lost their lives on the job.  He is forever immortalized on the wall at the Firefighters Memorial in Sacramento.

My brother-in-law is also a firefighter, as well as some of our very close friends.

My dad was a police officer for his entire career, working in a very busy city.  My father-in-law worked side-by-side with my dad for the same department.  Now my husband is also a police officer.  I hesitate in even mentioning this here because I know that there is so much tension around law enforcement in this day and age.

I was finally able to grasp the true meaning of what it is to be a first responder when I was the one sending them to calls for help.  There was a period before my husband became an officer where I was a 911 dispatcher.  I always knew growing up that my dad had a dangerous job, but I never thought about it much beyond that.  After being the person talking to the officers through their earpiece, I was able to grasp just exactly what my dad and father-in-law did every single day.  Now my husband does it and I have another unique perspective about the job because I am a police wife.

My everything in one photo:

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As I was waking up this morning, my husband, Craig, was coming home from work to sleep.  I asked him if he had heard about what happened in Las Vegas as I got a teary eyed.  I knew full well that he was aware of what had happened, since he had been up and working all night.  I told him that this is the kind of thing that I’m so very afraid of.  Call it tragedy, call it terrorism, or call it whatever you want – all of it is disgusting.

Now that I’m a mother to a beautiful little girl, I am so scared of the world we live in.  I might think a little bit differently than others, but I am always preparing for the worst.  For example, my parents, Gia and I went to San Francisco for the day over the weekend.  On our car ride there I told my parents how that I think completely differently about the world now that Gia is around.  (This is totally normal to a certain degree, but I think I take it up a notch.)  Just driving on the Bay Bridge into the city made me think about how it could be a prime target for an attack.  Then I thought about how we were going to the Ferry Building on the Embarcadero and how that is another potential target for a mass shooting or bombing.

Photo of my dad, Gia and I at the Ferry Building over the weekend:

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I know I cannot live my life in fear, but I am always on alert when I am alone with Gia.  Often I think of how I cannot let anything happen to me because I can’t leave her without her mother.  I’m so protective when we’re together and would jump in front of a moving train if it meant that she would be safe.  I know this is the feeling that many (hopefully all) parents have when it comes to keeping their kids safe.  It’s sad that I have to think about this on a such realistic level now.

I’ve only been to the movie theater one, maybe twice, in the last year, but even that experience has forever changed.  I think hard about where I should sit in case there is a deranged person who wants to harm everyone in the theater.  It’s just really very frightening that my mind even goes there.

I’m kind of starting to ramble on now, so I’ll wrap this up.  What I’m getting at is that there are people out there who go directly towards danger every single day.  They don’t think twice about it.  That is pretty amazing.  My hope is that you can walk up to someone wearing a badge and say “thank you.”  It doesn’t matter if it’s a police badge, a firefighter badge, a military badge, or an EMS badge – just thank them for what they do on a daily basis while we live our lives.  Many are quick to bash our first responders, but remember, they are the ones you call when you need help.

I know thoughts and prayers are never enough when tragedy strikes, but I offer them anyway.  My warmest condolences go out to everyone connected to the violence in Las Vegas.

Las Vegas is in desperate need for blood donations.  Here is a list of locations where you can donate if you live in Nevada:

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Self Care Is Not Pampering!

Ashley6 Comments

When I talk about self care, I feel like many people tend to think I mean pampering.  They couldn’t be more wrong!  While pampering does fall under the self care category, not all self care is pampering.  You still with me?  To me, self care is being your own best advocate, setting boundaries, making time for hobbies – it’s simply creating time for what you need and doing what you can to make it happen.

That last part is key – doing what you can to make it happen.  Today I did a bit of self care and I’m so glad I took a small part of my day to make myself a priority.  It’s too easy in life (especially when you have the demands of family, children, a career and everything in between) to forget about what you need to do for yourself so you can thrive.  I tell myself when I’m feeling unnecessary mom guilt that if I don’t take good care of myself, I cannot take the best care of my daughter and family.  Additionally, I want to lead Gia by example and let her know that it’s important to be good to your mind, body and soul.

Forms of self care that I’m working on:

  • Unplug – Yes, I’m telling you to put the iPhone down!  It’s not that easy to do, especially with social media, e-mails, phone calls, face time sessions, etc.  I feel a sense of freedom when I take a break from my electronics, as hard as it may be in the moment.
  • Practice Meditation – Okay, this one I’m really, really bad at.  For the last few years my New Year’s Resolution has been to practice more yoga.  Want to know how much yoga I’ve done in the last few years? — that’s right, NONE!  Wait, I take that back.  I did go to a wine and yoga retreat a couple of months back with girlfriends.  Does that count for a mini meditation?  My point here is, it’s good to practice something that makes you feel that mind-body connection.  For me, I think yoga will make me more mindful and relaxed, so I’m holding myself accountable by talking about it here.  Minimally, I’d like to at least do some deep breathing and stretching once a day.  Hopefully you guys can keep tabs on me and make sure I follow through!

Photo Of The Last Time I Did Yoga:

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  • Sleep – You’d think sleep would be an easy one after chasing a busy toddler all day long.  Not so much!  I’m someone who suffers from pretty bad anxiety and have had a history of depression, which, unfortunately does not make for a sound night’s sleep.  Just because I have anxiety and have had depression do NOT mean that I don’t love my life and appreciate it.  It’s the perfectionist in me that puts me on planet crazy and keeps me from sweet dreams.

Gia Demonstrating What I Need To Get Better At:

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  • Talk To Someone – Psychologists, therapists and spiritual mentors can make some people feel a little bit uneasy, I get that.  I’m not into all that stuff either, but I see the benefit of it.  For months I’ve been putting myself on the back burner regarding my anxiety and today I finally said, enough.  As uncomfortable as it can be to talk to a total stranger about your deepest thoughts, it’s such a release.  Today that’s exactly what I did – I went and talked to a psychologist about my feelings of anxiety and feel so much better.  It doesn’t mean that all of my “problems” are gone, but it’s a big step in the right direction.  I have to say I’m kind of proud of myself!  🙂

Forms of self care that I rock at:

  • Energize Your Body – I do something to “move” every single day.  It’s not selfish, it’s good for me and good for Gia.  I go to the gym to train five days per week.  Obviously when things come up or if Gia doesn’t feel like playing in the child care for an hour then I reevaluate.  The days I don’t get a traditional workout in, I take Gia on a walk or we go on an adventure.  It makes me feel so much more awake and alive for the entire day.
  • Take A Bath Or Shower – This one sounds a little, well, gross.  You don’t always get to shower when you want to after having a child.  Sometimes you’re too damn tired and other times you literally cannot.  Maybe that’s TMI, but it’s the truth!  I make sure to use my favorite body wash and skin care products when I get cleaned up.  It makes me feel beautiful and refreshed to smell so nice and have hydrated, happy skin.

Even Our Dog Homie Needs Some Self Care:

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  • Read Something, Anything! – I’m a big book worm and I read anything I can get my hands on.  Lately my reading has been in the form of other blogs that motivate me to be the best version of myself.  I try and set aside time to read when Gia is down for a nap or after she’s gone to bed.  It’s the perfect way for me to wind down.
  • Enjoy A Piece of Chocolate, Or Glass Of Wine – Better yet, enjoy the chocolate and wine together!  I used to fret over anything “bad” that went into my body.  No more!  If your body wants a little treat, then by all means, eat the chocolate and drink the wine!  The gym and your regularly scheduled eating routine will be there tomorrow.  You won’t fall off track – it might even help you stay on track by not depriving yourself of what you want!

Gia says it’s okay to get chocolate wasted once in a while:

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I hope you guys can relate to some of that!  How do you self care?  I’d love to hear how others take care of their mind, body and soul.  Comment and let me know!